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(Contains: violence/gore and strong language)
All original characters and names belong to me and are not to be used without my permission.
All characters and names taken from the video game, Mass Effect, are the property of Bioware and EA Games.
This fanfic is set between the events of Mass Effect 2 and 3.
This is not a Commander Shepard story.
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Update: Chapter 12 added. Part of Kat's many secrets has been revealed :)

Note: The whole damn thing needs to be proof read still. I haven't even proofed Chapter 11 myself yet but I was on a roll...

Let me know what you think. As fans of the series, your opinions matter to me :)
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:iconhyperion127:
Hyperion127 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015
We want more!
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Just putting together the story in my head ;)
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:iconhyperion127:
Hyperion127 Featured By Owner May 31, 2015
I need more! Please! :D
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner May 31, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
I promise to write more soon!!! :)
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:iconhyperion127:
Hyperion127 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2015
ATTENTION: WALL OF TEXT!!

Okay now that I have slept a bit I am concentrated enough to write an actual critique to this, because this is so good it deserves my time to write one. Didn't do it yesterday cos i hadn’t slept for almost 4 days -> I was a bit tired ^^

First of all, I am not yet able to comment on the character of your Wolfe team Squadmates, except for Jessica Wolfe and Decimus, Nihlus son. I've seen your Artworks for the others, but I don’t have any story fror them yet, so I am just going to comment on the Visuals.

Decimus is well introduced so far, he seems to be a study in style killing like Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian. He looks pretty good too, same facepaint as his dad. He seems to prefer close combat (Shotgun>Sniper Rifle), other than Garrus, but that’s his choice.
Not gonna comment on Belladonna yet, seems to be the good guy Phantom due to the Blades, but we don’t got story for her and I personal do not like her lookings so far (just not my personal style of woman :))
Not much to say about Ekram for now, seems to be your Thane in blue. Does he got Biotics or not? I am not sure by the pictures. The backstory is here yet to come so I am excited to read it someday.
The idea of bringing a keeper is pretty cool, cant wait to see what kind of guy that will be, you wrote he can only "speak" through his omnitool, but use 4 guns? Sounds funny.
I do like Morgans Visuals a lot, just because I got glasses too, and I always like how they make the character look intellectual. She seems to be a good technician for the team.
Nothing to Torvin so far, we all know what STG is capable of, and I don’t know anything else about him yet.
For Ayngel goes the same thing: Nice visuals, strong biotic I suppose, but no story here, so i will have to wait.
And for Cassius i just can say: That guy looks awesome! The face and the tattoo, man that’s cool.
Bringing a Yahg sounds problematic due to his race history, I am looking forward to get details on him too. But the idea is pretty neat, you got a living tank on the team that’s not a krogan for the first time (unless you count James Vega)
Tolliver seems to be a character you have almost finished, and I really like the result. A badass quarian? That’s a really new thought, and his trenchcoat looks awesome with his environmental suit. I really like his character backstory too, but if this is set between ME2 and ME3, where does he get his collector prey now with the collector base destroyed by Shepard?
Mikah: ruined childhood, got a geth pet. Doesn’t tell us that much about her personalty, gonna be patient here.
I do really hate the Vorcha, so i don’t really like the idea of one being a squadmate, i wonder how you gonna introduce Oxford. But his tech claws look pretty badass.
Pandora is just awesome, nothing else to say.
Having a drugged Volus as a pilot is not a situation i would want to be in, but it sounds really funny, and the character got a ton of potential, I am sure. His minigun on the arm is cool too.
Seraphine: Female Turian capable of biotics, nice name, nothing else I can comment on due to a lack of backstory yet, unless I have missed some piece.
Gorr seems to be a krogan with a hammer and a cool armor (is that a jetpack?).

So far for your custom squad. Until now (Chapter 12) no one appeared except Decimus, so we will see them in future chapters hopefully.

By the way, I really love how you gave Admiral Steven Hackett a place in your story, and how you show him a bit more personal, in ME3 he is just always the "I keep you updated on the greater picture"-guy, and that’s kind of a wasted opportunity.

I like your main character Jessica Wolfe really much so far, she seems not to be the one talking too much with her squad, but she is willing to die for them even after a short time, so she is certainly not emotionless, she is just kinda introverted. Also the way you describe her relationships with Hackett and Zaeed Maasani is well done.

The idea of bringing the minor ME2 Normandy squad members along for the first chapters to introduce Commander Wolfe on her own first and later getting her own team is really good in retrospect, as I read them all being on the Occitania I was quite skeptical, but I think most of them will leave soon (Jack & Grunt are just listening to Shepard, they are way to undisciplined, eventhough they are quite efficient in battle, Mordin will leave at some point to cure the genophage, Thane has to get permanent medical attention due to the kepral syndrom, Kolyat and Kasumi are badly injured, and Nyreen and Samara are pissed off by losing their biotics for a time. Samara and Kasumi will apparently get extra trouble with Wolfe for doing stupid things.) This leaves only Zaeed (I really hope he stays) and Kal'Reegar (maybe he is gone too due to the communication-problem-thing) and Dr. Eva Core (is she already that evil Cerberus bot? Or was she replaced later before ME3? I don’t think Mordin would be easy to decieve, he is former-STG, he would know human physiology very well!).
Kelly Chambers return is okay for me, always liked Traynor more, but Kelly is fine, but I thought she left the Normandy due to trauma problems so she couldnt see the ship anymore? The Occitania looks quite similar I thought. I guess she will stay too, Wolfe seemed to like her.
I suggest that you introduce one at least of the pilots at some point, and you could really do the suggestion I found in the comments here somewhere and put an elcor cook in, that would lead to funny conversations on board.
At one Point you wrote "the ship’s AI system" (Kellys saying), do you mean the Occitania will get a intelligence like EDI with full self-awareness and stuff or will it be more a VI (for example Avina on the Citadel) with the task to regulate basic stuff and cyber warfare due to the high reaction time? I think AIs are awesome and i adore the Geth concept but i think the Occitania would be more original if it wouldn’t be 1:1 the Normandy.

And while we are on the subject, I have to admit that I don’t really like the Name "Occitania" that you gave your ship. For the first, I think it is a bit too long, it got 4 syllables, that’s not that easily shouted in combat if you know what I mean. The name sounds good if you say it out loud, but that’s not really the reason you name a ship after. Jessica Wolfe said "Normandy" means "Northern french people" and "Occitania" "southern french people". According to Wikipedia this is right, but I don’t think the Normandy was named after the Northern part of France, but after the successful landing battle of the British and American troops exactly there in World War II. Bioware is a Canadian company and EA from America so it is quite unlikely that they meant anything other than the battle when they named Shepard’s Ship "Normandy". I am from Germany so many of my people died a pointless death in that battle for a stupid dictator, so the name isn’t really my favorite, but i got used to it. But i don’t really see the point in naming your ship "Occitania" then, do you understand why? Don’t get me wrong, I will get used to that too if the story remains good, and I am quite certain that it is, but i wanted to point that out here.

Your bad guys are pretty nasty so far, they all seem ruthless and stuff, but do not lack personality, so that’s a plus. Maybe there is still hope for that child Yuki. Gonna miss Darius, i love that old persian name, and he seemed not to be evil. 
Petrovsky as main Villain is quite a good choice but problematic, due to the fact that you cant kill him in your story so that means Wolfe will fail her main task, or he cant be there for the ME3 omega DLC.
The ability of Kat to rip off biotics on a timely basis (assuming that cos Samara could use Biotics in ME3, and Nyreen too) should be explained on detail later, so far I was like "WTF how?", cos never ever did anybody mention that kind of ability.

Your general writing style is really good so far, no complains on that so far. You told the details of the firefight very well, I could almost stand in the middle of the field and feel the bullets scrape my hair. The thoughts of Wolfe are pretty good written too.

But i have to say that there are plenty of missing blanks in the text and more then one time the "e" from "Wolfe" was missing, maybe  you should let someone read over it after you wrote another chapter, I know the problem, you never see your own little mistakes.

Wrote this for almost 2 hours now, phew.
So far so good, i really like your work so far, keep it up! I hope my kind of critique is welcome. Have a nice day!


~Hyperion127
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks so much for all the feedback! You've inspired me to do some more work on the project ASAP.

You've totally nailed where I'm headed by writing off the ME2 characters as they'll be replaced by the new characters you're already a little familiar with. I also promise to explain Kat's powers. I can give you a little hint, it has something to do with her mother who actually was in Mass Effect 2 ;)

Oh in regards to the name Occitania, I might add something to the story explaining that even though the Normandy was named after the battle you mentioned, it does also mean People of the North. I'm kinda devoted to the name Occitania now though so I'll probs stick with it ;)

I'll try to find links to some backstories I've written for you to help explain some characters:

Cassius: Mass Effect Occitania - Cassius Salvadore by JoesHouseOfArt
Ayngel (I know I haven't written much sorry): Mass Effect Occitania - Ayngel by JoesHouseOfArt
Scotty: Mass Effect Occitania - Scotty the Keeper by JoesHouseOfArt
Torvin: Mass Effect Occitania - Torvin Armor by JoesHouseOfArt
Belladonna: Occitania Origins - Belladonna Matisse by JoesHouseOfArt
Pandora: Occitania Origins - Pandora T'Daemon by JoesHouseOfArt
Toliver: Occitania Origins - Toliver Vas by JoesHouseOfArt
Karnach: Mass Effect Occitania - Karnach by JoesHouseOfArt
Bit more on all the Wolfe Pack: Mass Effect - Occitania: The Wolfe Pack by JoesHouseOfArt
Little more backstory to Ekram: Mass Effect Occitania - Ekram and Jack by JoesHouseOfArt
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:iconhyperion127:
Hyperion127 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2015
Okay i have to admit that i missed some of the pieces of backstory here so thanks :D
Exspecially the story with Jack and Ekram is really well done, and i like Cassius Background too.
The Karnach story is just hilarious (Omega Guitar Hero, brilliant idea! :D).
And now i have to admit that i look forward to Belladonna too, her backstory makes her a hell more interesting.

Looking forward to more content!
Reply
:iconqedrian41:
Qedrian41 Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Best Mass Effect fan fiction I've read in a LONG time. Can't wait for more of this!
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks a lot for the high praise! Hoping to knock out another chapter tomorrow :)
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:iconqedrian41:
Qedrian41 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I'll be looking forward to it.:happybounce: 
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:icondeadhero23:
DeadHero23 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2015
When the next chapter come
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
As soon as I get some more time off work ;)
Reply
:iconghostshell5:
GhostShell5 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015
Love it. Can't wait for the rest. Keep up the good work.
Reply
:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks a lot! It's slow coming but I'll finish it one day :P
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:iconprotocolx27:
ProtocolX27 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2014
Killer!! Didn't know you had that much into it! I need to find some time check this!
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
It's only amateur stuff but it gives me more reason to make pics and models of my guys when they've got a backstory :P
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:iconprotocolx27:
ProtocolX27 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015
Sure, it helps! From what I read so far though, it's got some heart.
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
:hug: So much work to go for no reward :P
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:iconprotocolx27:
ProtocolX27 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2015
Doesn't Satisfaction flip the bill? :lol:
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
I can't get no.....da da da da da... satisfaction!
Reply
:iconguerilla-in-da-mist:
Guerilla-in-da-Mist Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2014
Hey Joe. :)
Could you please do me a favor? Could you please write the whole story again in German? :D I would like to read it so badly, because I can imagine that your story is amazing, but sadly my English isn't good enough to read so many English. I would get headache. :/
Of course it was only a little joke to ask you for a German version, but still, I wish I could read your story. Anyways, you'll get of course a fave from me, because I KNOW this story is very well written. :)
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Lol! Do you think Google translator would let me copy and paste the whole story in there to translate it for me?? :P
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:iconturbulence1973:
Turbulence1973 Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Excellent read! But it really reads like you are trying to turn Wolfe into a Shepard clone. I could understand a cameo of one or two characters starting out, but you have damn near the whole team from ME2 in there. Like I like the connection to Zaheed, and the Alliance connection to Hackett made sense. I didn't like seeing the rest of Shepard's crew. What I did like is Chapter 6 when you started meeting your other crew. And then you gave Wolfe a Normandy mk 1? I didn't care for that. Don't get me wrong the Normandy is a bad ass ship, but give her something of her own. You're not writing Shepard mk 2, you're writing the adventures of Jessie Wolfe.
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
You're right in a lot of ways W. I used a lot of the crew that we already know for a couple of reasons. Firstly because none of them for much air time in ME3 and also because I thought it would give the reader something they know to bring them in to Wolfe's story.

This story is really just designed to introduce Jess and give you more of an insider look at what's going on behind enemy lines with the Cerberus bad guys. I try to give them an equal amount of chapters but they'll merge at some point.

A lot of this story is about Kat too. She'd got some messy stuff in her life and maybe Jess will end up helping her with it or maybe she'll end up killing her.

The story I'm hoping to write after this will faze out the characters from the game (maybe with the exception of Zaeed and Hackett). Then you'll have all new characters that will be different to anything we've seen in the ME universe before

Oh and I promise I haven't forgotten about the collaborative story btw. I've been so incredibly busy at work the lady couple of weeks that all I want to do when I get home is sleep :P
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:iconturbulence1973:
Turbulence1973 Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I definitely want to read more about Kat, and look forward to that.

I thought your story was supposed te be set between ME1 and ME2, when did you change it?
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Oh balls did I write that it was set between 1 and 2?? I was sure I wrote that it was set between 2 and 3. That's why I'm using the story explain things like why Jack wanted to to the Grissom academy in ME3 etc. Just trying to fill the gaps in story while introducing just a couple of my OCs.

I feel bad for Jess because she doesn't have as interesting a backstory as Kat but that will change once I've had a chance to introduce her twin brother etc :)
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:iconturbulence1973:
Turbulence1973 Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Think about a backstory like this, you want it basic. Think how they did Shepards in ME1. You had a few basic tid bits that got expounded on later. Do it that way, you don't have to give the whoel cow away in the first act, just a small glass of milk to wet their appetites.

And yeah I gathered the new time frame as soon as I read it. Not hard to decipher :) But ditch Shepard's crew fast, and start with your own. My two cents anyway.
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
I have plans to ditch at least one at the end of the next two chapters actually. You've been using your psychic powers again W...
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:iconreachfan2:
reachfan2 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Hey, I got to ask, are you going to make a story about Wolfe after Mass Effect 3? Because I wondered what would happen to her after this story and how will she feel when about half her crewmates die in the actual game.
P.S. I like the story... however, I was wondering if you could create an honorable Cerberus antagonist for your future stories. Other than that, I am really loving this story... keep it up!
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Honestly I wasn't too sure but I guess it depends on if people like it enough. I'm currently working on more art for it and the next few chapters. You'll soon see all her regular crew in 3d form in maybe a week or two. And I guarantee you'll find a hero hidden somewhere in the Cerberus team before the end of the current story. They're not all bad after all :)
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:iconravenmare1111:
Ravenmare1111 Featured By Owner May 15, 2013
It took a long time for me to finally sit down and read this. I was waiting so that I could give my full attention and not feel rushed. Bravo! I really enjoyed what you wrote. Yes there are some mistakes here and there, but the story is great. I look forward to reading/seeing what you do with this in the future!
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks a lot! And thanks for reading it too. I do plan on pulling my finger out and finishing it soon :)
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:iconreachfan2:
reachfan2 Featured By Owner May 12, 2013
Can you make a written story of this? Or an image story?
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Yeah I'm thinking of making a comic of it one day :)
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:iconnerdman3000:
Nerdman3000 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
By the way, can you release a word document version of this story?
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I would but Deviantart only allows me to upload PDF or Notepad files. And if I changed it to a Notepad file I'd lose all my formatting :(
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:iconnerdman3000:
Nerdman3000 Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013
Could you then perhaps send it to me by email. My email is julienyanes.schoolhouseprep@gmail.com.
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:iconnerdman3000:
Nerdman3000 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
Will Shepard be making a Cameo? And will Shepard be Male or Female if he/she does?
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I don't think Shepard will make an appearance at all. I'm planning for the story to fit in as seamlessly as possible between ME2 and 3 so I don't want to disturb the stories of any characters that turned up as main parts of the third game.

I think at the start I made mention of Shepard in a sentence though and I think I said she was female. Pretty sure I did anyway :)
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I don't think Shepard will make an appearance at all. I'm planning for the story to fit in as seamlessly as possible between ME2 and 3 so I don't want to disturb the stories of any characters that turned up as main parts of the third game.

I think at the start I made mention of Shepard in a sentence though and I think I said she was female. Pretty sure I did anyway :)
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:iconcomanderpatterson:
comanderpatterson Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
I cant Wait to find out what happens next. When you get the next how ever many chapters up could you send me the link? Keep up the good work. :)
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks! I'll do my best to try and remember :)
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:iconnrbarnard:
NRBarnard Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
well now that I have gotten around to finish this story, go to say can't wait to see where it goes, also this has given me the motivation to work on my Mass Effect story
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for taking the time to read it! It was a bit long for a teaser but I wanted to give a good feeling of what was coming later :)

Glad I could help with the motivation too! It's always really hard to come by imo :)
Reply
:iconrama-kay:
Rama-Kay Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow! I gotta say: I LOVE IT! and damn man, you draw, make awesome 3D models and write is there anything you can't do?

and seriously, This was very well-written. I can't wait to read the whole story !
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Aww thanks! I hope you're not just being nice though :P

This is one thing I can't do.... I can't forgive criminals for their life of evil deeds... *If you read that again but in a Batman voice it sounds cool* :P
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:iconrama-kay:
Rama-Kay Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No! I'm not just being nice! :icontuzkicryplz:

:iconlolowlplz:
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:iconjoeshouseofart:
JoesHouseOfArt Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Bahaha. I believe you :P
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:iconrama-kay:
Rama-Kay Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:XD: YAY! :rofl:
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