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All characters and names taken from the video game, Mass Effect, are the property of Bioware and EA Games.
This fanfic is set between the events of Mass Effect 2 and 3.
This is not a Commander Shepard story.
Update: Chapter 12 added. Part of Kat's many secrets has been revealed
Note: The whole damn thing needs to be proof read still. I haven't even proofed Chapter 11 myself yet but I was on a roll...
Let me know what you think. As fans of the series, your opinions matter to me
Okay now that I have slept a bit I am concentrated enough to write an actual critique to this, because this is so good it deserves my time to write one. Didn't do it yesterday cos i hadn’t slept for almost 4 days -> I was a bit tired ^^
First of all, I am not yet able to comment on the character of your Wolfe team Squadmates, except for Jessica Wolfe and Decimus, Nihlus son. I've seen your Artworks for the others, but I don’t have any story fror them yet, so I am just going to comment on the Visuals.
Decimus is well introduced so far, he seems to be a study in style killing like Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian. He looks pretty good too, same facepaint as his dad. He seems to prefer close combat (Shotgun>Sniper Rifle), other than Garrus, but that’s his choice.
Not gonna comment on Belladonna yet, seems to be the good guy Phantom due to the Blades, but we don’t got story for her and I personal do not like her lookings so far (just not my personal style of woman )
Not much to say about Ekram for now, seems to be your Thane in blue. Does he got Biotics or not? I am not sure by the pictures. The backstory is here yet to come so I am excited to read it someday.
The idea of bringing a keeper is pretty cool, cant wait to see what kind of guy that will be, you wrote he can only "speak" through his omnitool, but use 4 guns? Sounds funny.
I do like Morgans Visuals a lot, just because I got glasses too, and I always like how they make the character look intellectual. She seems to be a good technician for the team.
Nothing to Torvin so far, we all know what STG is capable of, and I don’t know anything else about him yet.
For Ayngel goes the same thing: Nice visuals, strong biotic I suppose, but no story here, so i will have to wait.
And for Cassius i just can say: That guy looks awesome! The face and the tattoo, man that’s cool.
Bringing a Yahg sounds problematic due to his race history, I am looking forward to get details on him too. But the idea is pretty neat, you got a living tank on the team that’s not a krogan for the first time (unless you count James Vega)
Tolliver seems to be a character you have almost finished, and I really like the result. A badass quarian? That’s a really new thought, and his trenchcoat looks awesome with his environmental suit. I really like his character backstory too, but if this is set between ME2 and ME3, where does he get his collector prey now with the collector base destroyed by Shepard?
Mikah: ruined childhood, got a geth pet. Doesn’t tell us that much about her personalty, gonna be patient here.
I do really hate the Vorcha, so i don’t really like the idea of one being a squadmate, i wonder how you gonna introduce Oxford. But his tech claws look pretty badass.
Pandora is just awesome, nothing else to say.
Having a drugged Volus as a pilot is not a situation i would want to be in, but it sounds really funny, and the character got a ton of potential, I am sure. His minigun on the arm is cool too.
Seraphine: Female Turian capable of biotics, nice name, nothing else I can comment on due to a lack of backstory yet, unless I have missed some piece.
Gorr seems to be a krogan with a hammer and a cool armor (is that a jetpack?).
So far for your custom squad. Until now (Chapter 12) no one appeared except Decimus, so we will see them in future chapters hopefully.
By the way, I really love how you gave Admiral Steven Hackett a place in your story, and how you show him a bit more personal, in ME3 he is just always the "I keep you updated on the greater picture"-guy, and that’s kind of a wasted opportunity.
I like your main character Jessica Wolfe really much so far, she seems not to be the one talking too much with her squad, but she is willing to die for them even after a short time, so she is certainly not emotionless, she is just kinda introverted. Also the way you describe her relationships with Hackett and Zaeed Maasani is well done.
The idea of bringing the minor ME2 Normandy squad members along for the first chapters to introduce Commander Wolfe on her own first and later getting her own team is really good in retrospect, as I read them all being on the Occitania I was quite skeptical, but I think most of them will leave soon (Jack & Grunt are just listening to Shepard, they are way to undisciplined, eventhough they are quite efficient in battle, Mordin will leave at some point to cure the genophage, Thane has to get permanent medical attention due to the kepral syndrom, Kolyat and Kasumi are badly injured, and Nyreen and Samara are pissed off by losing their biotics for a time. Samara and Kasumi will apparently get extra trouble with Wolfe for doing stupid things.) This leaves only Zaeed (I really hope he stays) and Kal'Reegar (maybe he is gone too due to the communication-problem-thing) and Dr. Eva Core (is she already that evil Cerberus bot? Or was she replaced later before ME3? I don’t think Mordin would be easy to decieve, he is former-STG, he would know human physiology very well!).
Kelly Chambers return is okay for me, always liked Traynor more, but Kelly is fine, but I thought she left the Normandy due to trauma problems so she couldnt see the ship anymore? The Occitania looks quite similar I thought. I guess she will stay too, Wolfe seemed to like her.
I suggest that you introduce one at least of the pilots at some point, and you could really do the suggestion I found in the comments here somewhere and put an elcor cook in, that would lead to funny conversations on board.
At one Point you wrote "the ship’s AI system" (Kellys saying), do you mean the Occitania will get a intelligence like EDI with full self-awareness and stuff or will it be more a VI (for example Avina on the Citadel) with the task to regulate basic stuff and cyber warfare due to the high reaction time? I think AIs are awesome and i adore the Geth concept but i think the Occitania would be more original if it wouldn’t be 1:1 the Normandy.
And while we are on the subject, I have to admit that I don’t really like the Name "Occitania" that you gave your ship. For the first, I think it is a bit too long, it got 4 syllables, that’s not that easily shouted in combat if you know what I mean. The name sounds good if you say it out loud, but that’s not really the reason you name a ship after. Jessica Wolfe said "Normandy" means "Northern french people" and "Occitania" "southern french people". According to Wikipedia this is right, but I don’t think the Normandy was named after the Northern part of France, but after the successful landing battle of the British and American troops exactly there in World War II. Bioware is a Canadian company and EA from America so it is quite unlikely that they meant anything other than the battle when they named Shepard’s Ship "Normandy". I am from Germany so many of my people died a pointless death in that battle for a stupid dictator, so the name isn’t really my favorite, but i got used to it. But i don’t really see the point in naming your ship "Occitania" then, do you understand why? Don’t get me wrong, I will get used to that too if the story remains good, and I am quite certain that it is, but i wanted to point that out here.
Your bad guys are pretty nasty so far, they all seem ruthless and stuff, but do not lack personality, so that’s a plus. Maybe there is still hope for that child Yuki. Gonna miss Darius, i love that old persian name, and he seemed not to be evil.
Petrovsky as main Villain is quite a good choice but problematic, due to the fact that you cant kill him in your story so that means Wolfe will fail her main task, or he cant be there for the ME3 omega DLC.
The ability of Kat to rip off biotics on a timely basis (assuming that cos Samara could use Biotics in ME3, and Nyreen too) should be explained on detail later, so far I was like "WTF how?", cos never ever did anybody mention that kind of ability.
Your general writing style is really good so far, no complains on that so far. You told the details of the firefight very well, I could almost stand in the middle of the field and feel the bullets scrape my hair. The thoughts of Wolfe are pretty good written too.
But i have to say that there are plenty of missing blanks in the text and more then one time the "e" from "Wolfe" was missing, maybe you should let someone read over it after you wrote another chapter, I know the problem, you never see your own little mistakes.
Wrote this for almost 2 hours now, phew.
So far so good, i really like your work so far, keep it up! I hope my kind of critique is welcome. Have a nice day!
You've totally nailed where I'm headed by writing off the ME2 characters as they'll be replaced by the new characters you're already a little familiar with. I also promise to explain Kat's powers. I can give you a little hint, it has something to do with her mother who actually was in Mass Effect 2
Oh in regards to the name Occitania, I might add something to the story explaining that even though the Normandy was named after the battle you mentioned, it does also mean People of the North. I'm kinda devoted to the name Occitania now though so I'll probs stick with it
I'll try to find links to some backstories I've written for you to help explain some characters:
Ayngel (I know I haven't written much sorry):
Pandora: Occitania Origins - Pandora T'Daemon by JoesHouseOfArt
Toliver: Occitania Origins - Toliver Vas by JoesHouseOfArt
Karnach: Mass Effect Occitania - Karnach by JoesHouseOfArt
Bit more on all the Wolfe Pack: Mass Effect - Occitania: The Wolfe Pack by JoesHouseOfArt
Little more backstory to Ekram: Mass Effect Occitania - Ekram and Jack by JoesHouseOfArt
Exspecially the story with Jack and Ekram is really well done, and i like Cassius Background too.
The Karnach story is just hilarious (Omega Guitar Hero, brilliant idea! ).
And now i have to admit that i look forward to Belladonna too, her backstory makes her a hell more interesting.
Looking forward to more content!
Could you please do me a favor? Could you please write the whole story again in German? I would like to read it so badly, because I can imagine that your story is amazing, but sadly my English isn't good enough to read so many English. I would get headache. :/
Of course it was only a little joke to ask you for a German version, but still, I wish I could read your story. Anyways, you'll get of course a fave from me, because I KNOW this story is very well written.
This story is really just designed to introduce Jess and give you more of an insider look at what's going on behind enemy lines with the Cerberus bad guys. I try to give them an equal amount of chapters but they'll merge at some point.
A lot of this story is about Kat too. She'd got some messy stuff in her life and maybe Jess will end up helping her with it or maybe she'll end up killing her.
The story I'm hoping to write after this will faze out the characters from the game (maybe with the exception of Zaeed and Hackett). Then you'll have all new characters that will be different to anything we've seen in the ME universe before
Oh and I promise I haven't forgotten about the collaborative story btw. I've been so incredibly busy at work the lady couple of weeks that all I want to do when I get home is sleep
I thought your story was supposed te be set between ME1 and ME2, when did you change it?
I feel bad for Jess because she doesn't have as interesting a backstory as Kat but that will change once I've had a chance to introduce her twin brother etc
And yeah I gathered the new time frame as soon as I read it. Not hard to decipher But ditch Shepard's crew fast, and start with your own. My two cents anyway.
P.S. I like the story... however, I was wondering if you could create an honorable Cerberus antagonist for your future stories. Other than that, I am really loving this story... keep it up!
I think at the start I made mention of Shepard in a sentence though and I think I said she was female. Pretty sure I did anyway
I think at the start I made mention of Shepard in a sentence though and I think I said she was female. Pretty sure I did anyway
Glad I could help with the motivation too! It's always really hard to come by imo
and seriously, This was very well-written. I can't wait to read the whole story !